So my friend Laura sent me a link to some photos of my TV girlfriend, Rachael Ray. At first I was a tad excited, after all, it was a photo shoot in FHM. Look out kids, it's sorta porn! So I clicked on it to check it out, and was immediately disappointed. "But why would you be disappointed!?" You might exclaim questioningly. Because it took away... something-or-other. I'm still not sure. It didn't take away the mystery, because that would require me to have been curious as to what she looked like in a bra. It didn't take away the anticipation, because really, I'm never going to go out with Rachael Ray. And it didn't take away her "sweetness" and "innocence" because, who knows, maybe she's not. I don't know. The reason she's my TV girlfriend is because she's goofy and silly and tells bad jokes but she loves to cook and she loves to eat, and she does have funny little stories even if she is charmingly awkward. That's part of the problem is that she's all skimpy dressed and trying to be sexy, but she just looks silly because she's not traditionally "sexy" on the show, and then the rest of the photos, she's all cheery happy carefree Rachael Ray, but she's in her skivvies. It made me feel dirty. I guess I was disappointed because it was like watching someone that you are totally crushing on completely drunk and shaming themself. Like, when you are completely sober and that person you are totally attracted to is completely shitty-faced, and they're all over you, and they're like, "Hey make out with me" or something, and you really want to but you feel that you would be taking advantage of them because you would be taking advantage of them and they'd never ever ever be like this if they were sober so you don't do anything and you'll always regret that you didn't do anything but you'll always loathe yourself if you do do something and the next day they act as if nothing happened last night because they don't remember how they were acting but you do and seeing them like this again makes you wish that you'd never seen them like that. ... does that make sense? So anyway, I saw drunk Rachael tonight and tomorrow she'll be telling me all about 30-minute meals and $40 dollars a day, as if this FHM photo shoot never happened, but I know that it did.