If my page went away, would anyone notice? I'm sure they wouldn't. Oh, they may notice, but they wouldn't care. It wouldn't affect them. They number of people that are linked to me are less than a handful. Six. Six people care enough to even link to me. Nobody comes to my site. Nobody cares. Actually that's a lie. Lots of people come to my site but they are only looking for the lyrics to something that I didn't write. They don't even stay long enough to read anything. Because I've foolishly put the link at the top of the page. Occasionally I'll get someone here that found my page through the recently updated pages, but they don't comment on anything. Really very few people ever comment here, and the majority of those that do I see every day anyway. People rarely, if ever, call me. I'm not sure why I waste money on a phone line every month. The two people who call the most are my mom and my sister, and usually, two minutes into a conversation, my sister will say, "I gotta go, I'll call you right back." I've been waiting for her to call me right back since 8:20 last Wednesday. Yes, I should call her, but she has her phone turned off all of the time (since she works at a Summer Camp), and she never checks her Voice Mail. How do I know for certain? I don't, but I do know that when she calls me she'll ask me questions that I've already answered in a previous voice mail. Nobody has asked me to go out to a bar since July 3rd. How do I remember it was July 3rd? Because I was going to my mom's house because nobody had talked to me since June 25th. How am I sure that it was June 25th? Because June 24th was the last day of work. After that I was unemployed. Well why don't I just invite myself to go hang out with other people. Because it's rude. In High School I'm sure that everyone knew at least one person who always invited themselves along. They were annoying. You didn't really like them, but they always came. Yeah, I don't want to be that guy. And regardless of how good of a friendship you and those you are hanging out with share, the moment you show up but weren't invited is the moment you run the risk of becoming that guy. Someone once said to me (in fact many people have said it in different ways, so I'll just boil down the essence) It doesn't matter what I say on this page because it's my page, I shouldn't worry whether or not people comment. What a load of shit. Of course I should worry. Of course it should concern me. If I didn't want people to read it, then I would keep a diary. Am I funny, am I insightful, am I observant... no apparently not, because strangers don't care enough to add their two cents. In fact, this won't help, because it's too long to hold anyone's attention. people are looking for clever capsulated microcontent. If I had anything original to contribute to the world, people would take notice. I'm so scared of being average. But that's all I see in me - Average average average. You know what another word for average is? Mediocre. I'm just a lousy average white straight male. I'm average height, average weight, average build. There is nothing unique about me. blah blah blah. So I try to make things unique about me. And what is that met with? Indifference. I'm not looking to be famous, I'm not looking to be rich, all that I'm looking for is any sort of expertise. Oh, you have a question about such and such, well you should ask him. He knows more about it and is better at it than anyone else in the whole fucking world. Sure, it could be minor or insignificant, but it would be one thing. ramble ramble ramble. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore, or if I have or ever had a point. Perhaps I'm just getting shit off of my chest. Perhaps I should get some therapy next semester since it's free. I definitely need Prozac, or some other depression alleviator. I'm 25 years old, and I've never really ever been happy. And it's not because I'm smart or because I think too much... It's depression. I'm tired of not being happy. And I don't mean happy, ha ha ha. I mean self-worth. I don't feel that I have any self-worth. I saw a very good friend of mine today. But she didn't seem happy at all to see me. I haven't seen anyone in almost a month, and she didn't seem happy to see me. I felt that the smile on her face was one of momentary tolerance. And, yes, I was at work at the time, but I was also right there. I smiled. I was so happy to see her. I said Hello. I patted her on the arm. Nothing. Nothing at all. Just this big false tolerant grin. She didn't even stop for a few moments of phatic communication. She did say Hello, but she kept on walking. And it really hurt. I felt like I had done something wrong. And then I was angry because I knew that I hadn't done anything wrong. But really, I was just hurt. I don't even know. The longer I sit here and type the more upset I am. And I don't even have a reason to be upset. The big problem is that I can't type as fast as I can think, so connections that are crystal brilliant immediately shift and fade. I lose all my connections. In so many ways. That's all I ever do. Lose connections. I gotta stop. I'm just going to go to my room and cry for a while. Nothing sarcastic, nothing clever. I'm just going to go cry for a while.