There's something to be said about the apathy that depression creates. I feel completely numb. I don't care anymore. About anything really. In fact, this numbness, this apathy, this overwhelming indifference has completely saturated everything that I do now. I don't care what people think of me. I don't care what my colleages think of me. My friends. My relatives. Faculty, acquaintences, strangers. None of that matters. The only thing that matters now is what I think of me. And you know what what I think of me? Not too much, and not very highly when I do. 25 is not the age to be realizing this. 25 is two and a half decades late to realize that I'm the most important person in my life. That everyone else is just an also-ran. I've always put everyone else ahead of me. I'm done doing that now. I'm done acquiescing. I'm done nodding and smiling. I'm done with the façade of being happy. Fuck phatic communication. Fuck expectations. Fuck pleasantries. I'm at a point where I'm going to say what I felt needs to be said. A point where I don't bitch to my friends because I'm not "supposed" to bitch at the people that I want to bitch at. I have things to say. There are things that need saying. And it's time for me to start saying them. I'm tired of being a self-induced martyr. I'm tired of shouldering the weight of the world. Nobody told me to, and nobody notices that I feel like I am. I'm not Atlas. I've never shouldered the weight of the world. I created that myth. I am the engine of my own suffering.